weixuanc

ONLINE DATING – Tinder? OK Cupid? Coffee Meets Bagel? Say hello to the new age of dating, where talking to complete strangers online and then meeting these total strangers in real life become acceptable. A simple hookup or a lifetime partner? Step right up and try your luck on this game of love. This is the new era of dating.

Honestly, in this day and age, technology can be a new way in meeting new people. It is so convenient and easy. But also, so many shady people you got to be wary of. And as much as people be saying that it is such a superficial app, where you only ‘swipe right’ (for those who don’t know, it means to like / express interest for someone) when you are attracted to their appearance. But as sad as it is, in this superficial world we live in, the looks do play a role in your initial attraction for the other party. So technically, we have been doing this offline too.

The whole stigma of online dating made me apprehensive in starting my online dating journey. One main reason why I didn’t want to try online dating initially, was because I was afraid to be seen by people I know. But a friend told me, well, there isn’t nothing to be ashamed of because they are on it too, which I gotta admit is very true. And I guess, another reason would be that online dating has a pretty bad rep because of a small group of people who goes on these apps to ‘play around’. That’s how real life works most of the time, where the bad things that happen outshines the good things that happen.

As someone who is usually surrounded by guy friends, the chances of meeting other guys decreases. But no hate, still got major love for you guys and I ain’t dropping y’all for a dude. And I felt I was ready to get back into the dating world after getting over my ex (now turned BFF). And, well, online dating didn’t seem to be a bad option for me to meet new people. So, being the curious person I am, I decided to give Tinder a try and then OK Cupid.

I was using Tinder on-off since the end of December last year, and then just two months ago, I gave OK Cupid a try. Trying out both apps, I would say that Tinder is more user friendly. You are just required to upload some photos of yourself, and of course key in certain details like name and age. Having a biography is optional, but I would say putting in a little effort won’t kill. For OK Cupid, I only used it for a while, but the details you can provide on the app is interesting. And you can even select how important a certain detail is to you, this would then let you see how ‘compatible’ you are with others.

So, I’ve gone out with a few guys. Okay disclaimer though, it wasn’t like I was going out with all of them together. I am pretty selective about who I meet with, and once I feel like the vibe is there or that it is going somewhere, I pretty much ‘give all my attention’ to that person. Well, in hindsight, not a good idea. Sometimes, it gets difficult to read someone when you’ve only known them from a short time.

In summary…

Guy #1: The guy I almost met. He was working as an air steward, and I appreciate that he made time to call me even though he was busy with work. So, we were suppose to meet and I waited for him for an hour. I called it off because I had made plans with my friends at night, and he knew I had other plans too. So basically he ended things by telling me to meet other guys in the meantime. But, we did not meet at all in the end.

Guy #2: The first guy I met in a long time, and I guess the ‘hopeless romantic’ and ‘naivety’ in me did not do me any good. Things were going well to me, but then he decided to ghost me instead of properly ending things. So, yeah, that hurt. And he was the reason for my post on falling too deep, wrote that in an hour out of anger (real proud of that). The fact that he felt that the way girls dress would cause her to get raped should have been a red flag.

Guy #3: A real nice person, but for me, I’m not someone who is comfortable with ‘physical touch’ on the first date / meet up. His persistence in trying to put his arms around me made me more and more uncomfortable. By the end of the day, I was pretty much over the niceness and disappointed with his unwillingness to take no for an answer.

Guy #4: We actually vibed real good when we met, and we went out for a few months. He did let me know he was still trying to get over his ex, and silly me thought I could help him. Honestly, thinking back, it was a pretty toxic ‘relationship’. He was my highs and lows, there was no in between. I guess a part of me was afraid to let go, because the comfortableness / familiarity was there. My friends were telling me to let go, because they saw how unsure and unhappy I was most of the time. They could see how toxic it was, but I couldn’t then. And funny enough, I stumbled upon a Thought Catalogue post on toxic relationships. And well, that gave me the boost I needed to end things.

Guy #5: Well, technically, pretty similar to the second guy I met, with the whole ‘touchiness’. I guess the effort he put in to bringing me to different places, made me give him a second chance. But no idea why did I put myself through the uncomfortable feeling, just because I see the effort he is putting in. And after he asked me ‘if I wanted to go somewhere’ after the second meet up, I guess that’s what he wanted all along.

But I do have to say that the guys I have met were nice in their own ways. I always believe that everyone has some good in them, and I am lucky to have met them. Thank you for making me a stronger and more confident person. I wouldn’t be the person I am today, if not for them (not entirely the reason why I changed, like for example my friend Edd, made me a more assertive person and it really is a good trait to have in small amounts). I know it sounds weird, how meeting people helped me build character. I do feel more comfortable talking to different people, more daring in trying new things, more able to deal with sh*tty things that come in my way. I genuinely am thankful.

I ain’t no expert, but from my experience on Tinder and OK Cupid alone. Here are some things I feel that you guys should consider / know about:

1. |GHOSTING| It is a painful thing to have to go through, especially so when you have fallen for that person. I am so sorry if you had to go through this, I totally understand the hurt. But, well, the fact that he/she did not have the courage to tell you “hey it ain’t working out anymore” just tells you what kind of a person he/she is. When it happened to me, I was constantly stressing about what I did wrong and what I said when the texts became less quantitative and qualitative. Please don’t make anyone go through this. I feel the rule of thumb would be to let the person know whether it is working out especially if you’ve actually met the person in real life.

2. |EXES|So before embarking on this journey, I made sure I was over my ex, because I did not want to hurt anyone. I mean, if you are just looking for a hookup and all to get over your ex (this includes everyone looking for a hookup), then sure go for it, but totally unhealthy for your emotional wellbeing. You just need to make it clear to the other party from the start, on whether you want something serious, because you can’t assume that the other party knows what you want. But either way, I think it is also very important to let him or her know that you are not over your ex.

3. |ASSUMPTIONS| One thing my friends always reminded me is to never make assumptions on any doubts you have on your relationship with your partner. If you feel like you want to take it a step further, it is okay to check and ask him or her if you two are indeed dating exclusive or even what he/she is looking for (a friend or a partner). Nothing wrong with knowing where you stand. Don’t feel like you cannot ask these questions, I mean I guess an appropriate time to ask would be after a few dates. There would never be a right time to ask, it will definitely feel awkward, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

4. |FILTER| One thing I am really bad at was filtering the players from the good guys. Basically, there are people on Tinder that would say anything to get what they want. Well, simply put, manipulative. I learnt not to fall for their words easily, and to take their words with a pinch of salt. You gots to, it is definitely going to take some time to be able to brush off what they say. And remember, he or she cannot force you into doing something you don’t want to, don’t feel obliged to do what they want out of guilt or sympathy or whatever you are feeling. You do what you are comfortable with, but I mean, do good and don’t harm the other person.

5.|TALKING| Flirting is a skill that I applaud you for if you have it, it is a skill. It kinda shows me that you are interested. But, having deep meaningful conversations with the other party combined with the flirting does show more interest. I feel that wanting to get to know each other on a deeper level, shows another level of interest. And also it does help with figuring out each others’ interests and what the other person is like. Also, I feel that how early you have the conversation on ‘the physical stuff’ and all tells what kind of person you are. If someone talks about these things real early on, that person’s priority is really just wanting to fix the thirst they got. So, you have been warned.

6. |END| I feel that one should end things in a good and proper way with the other party, because you never know when and where you would bump into the person again. And wouldn’t you want to tie up any loose ends? I would hate the feeling of not ending things properly, and having the other person wonder what was wrong. Basically, it is difficult to end things, it is difficult to have to face the end of something that could have been. So just try to be considerate of the other person’s feelings too.

I hope this helps anyone who are currently using or new to online dating. Just do be aware that not all of them appear as how they portray themselves to be. Whatever you decide to do, please consider the other party’s feelings. Don’t let my experience deter you from trying online dating, I’ve made some new friends and it is quite funny when you bump into your friends on the app (immediately swiping right to disturb them).

All the best with your future endeavours!

Most of us finds it difficult to open up to people. We end up keeping our problems in, let it build up until we can no longer take it or we suppress those feelings and let it eat us up. At one point in our lives, we are all guilty of it…

Sometimes we start opening up to someone just when we start trusting that person. We tell them everything, share all your problems, we get vulnerable with them. And when they leave you, when they disappear from your life… That feeling of losing someone special just makes you feel lost. The person who you both shared everything with each other, who you could depend on is no more. The feeling of being lost just sucks. // Don’t let the fear of possibly losing that person deter you from opening up. Because if you never do, you’ll never truly get to know one another. What if you two were meant to be, and you let that ‘relationship that could have been something special’ go (not just romantically, but friends included). In life, it’s all about taking risks. We all experience all these different emotions and feelings, we grow from them and learn from them. It’s all these bad experiences, that let us appreciate the good ones.

Sometimes showing our vulnerable side to someone is difficult, it’s difficult to bear it all to people. We work so hard to build up the facade that we’re strong and independent, someone that ‘got our sh*t together’ or ‘don’t give a sh*t’. We portray the kind of person we want others to see, because sometimes it’s much easier this way. // Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable does not mean you’re weak, it means you’re brave enough to show that side to others. We should care less about what others would think, and care more about building that relationship between you and your special someone. There is beauty in vulnerability. It may seem like nothing much to you, but it could mean the world to him / her when you open up.

Sometimes we just don’t want to burden someone with our problems when they already have so much on their plate, they don’t need an additional thing to have to deal with. Seeing the person you care about dealing with their problems and yet you can’t do anything but listen and watch as they struggle, is difficult. You just want to take it all away if you could. Adding another thing for them to worry about would be the last thing you want to do. // Don’t feel like you are a burden. The people you hold dear to you would think otherwise. They would want to be there for you – your listening ear or shoulder to cry on… They would much rather you bother them with your troubles than to see you suffering alone.

Opening up to someone may be difficult, but we all need someone sometimes. It’s a nice feeling to know that you’ve got someone who understands you completely, and who’ll always have your back. Sometimes, all we need is time… Time to slowly open up, time to realise that not everyone leaves, time to show a deeper side of you, time to rely on someone else other than just yourself.

If someone in your life isn’t opening up, give it time.. Sometimes all we need is just time.

Social media, a tricky little thing… Where does one draw the line between what is real and what is just pretend?

Sharing something bad that has happened to you in your life on social media… Maybe it is a way for you to ‘heal’ from it or you need someone’s opinion or you just simply need some words of encouragement, someone to maybe advice you on what you can do. Deep inside, you secretly hope for someone who will feel the way you do, someone who will be your listening ear even if just temporarily. You just secretly yearn to be cared for, to feel like you belong somewhere, to have someone.

But when you do this, people just think that you’re trying to attract attention and the negative emotions are just for show. Or people just don’t get the situation you’re in right now, and start teasing you about it, start making jokes about it. And most of us (being the ‘audience’), I’m sure, wouldn’t even know what to say to them anyway, so we just ignore the negativity the person is showing.

I mean, who likes to see someone being all ‘sappy’ online when most of us hide away behind our phones, on our social media, just to get that little tinge of happiness when seeing someone living the life you’ve always wanted. You don’t want to be reminded of how miserable life is or can be. You want to run away from reality, and just forget for a moment of how sh*tty things can be. You want to believe life can be so much more, even if it is through someone else…

Or for those, who just wants to paint this perfect picture life of their own online, forgetting about what’s happening in real life. Just another way to run away, another way to forget. A temporary bliss when you get the likes, the compliments, the comments on how ‘they wish they were in your shoes’.

Most of us are all guilty of that. Pretending to be happy, when we’re really not. When all we want to do is just breakdown and cry…

You never know how someone truly feels online, after all, everything is all happening behind a screen. Even how a viral post could be fake.

The past 2 days haven’t been the best of days, and I can’t help but feel really guilty about it. And when I feel so overwhelmed, I try to occupy my mind with work, conversations with my friends or social media. But once I put these distractions down, I get reminded of what a sh*tty day it has been. And as I was contemplating if I should post something on Instagram, the three photos that I was contemplating on posting, showed me smiling… Well, I was happy when I took these photos… But, I couldn’t post something that showed I was happy, when I am clearly not. And I couldn’t, especially when someone I cared for is upset because of me. And this is kinda what inspired me to write this post.

To me, Facebook and Instagram is a place for me to connect with my family and friends, while WordPress is a place for me to just let all my emotions go. People use social media differently, it plays a different role in our lives. Even I start to question, why am I posting photos of my personal life online, where everyone could see… I guess maybe I do want to pretend that everything is okay, maybe that’s somewhere I get that little bit of confidence from when someone compliments me, maybe I get that little bit of happiness / joy when I see my close friends commenting funny things… I don’t know what it is, but this social media is like a drug that I can’t stop taking. And my writing, it’s an outlet for me to express myself, while secretly hoping that what I write, helps someone…

I guess social media can be a great distraction from reality, a way to keep in touch with the people around you, and well, even for some get jobs. In this day and age, if you’re not on social media, you’ll be missing out on a lot of things happening around you or most importantly, to the people you care about. One thing we should all remind ourselves, to always remember that you should be living the life you want and not live it through someone else. Your life is so much more, you make it what you want it to be.

TRUST – trusting someone is an issue many of us struggle with, at one point in our lives. Many of us would have experienced the pain of someone we truly love and care about, breaking the trust we had in them. This is what makes us doubt the promises people make to us, for fear of going through what we did previously. This is why, we build our walls so high up…

I’m writing this, because a close friend of mine who is starting to find himself, and yet someone he met a while ago decided to tear him down and hurt him again by spreading false rumours about him. What she did, made me feel so angry that I couldn’t do anything about it, couldn’t do anything to help him. But what I could only do was offer him words of encouragement.

For him, and I am sure many of you, trusting someone is not easy. It takes a lot of time and effort. And when someone you used to trust so dearly, after everything, decides to stab you in the back… Doesn’t matter if you’re still talking to them, or if you’re not anymore, or if sh*t happened, it just plain sucks.

Trusting someone, is like loving someone, you never know when you’re going to get hurt. But I hope the past experiences and the fear of hurt does not stop you from building trust in someone. Because trust is something you need, when you love someone. Trusting someone is difficult…

I am sorry if any of you had to go through this, but I promise you this, there will always be the few that will trust you, believe in you, and never break the trust you have in them.

I am sorry to those, I might have hurt… I know now, how difficult it is to find trust in this world.

To my dear friend, hang in there. I am here for you, and I believe in you because I know you. I will always believe in you.

WAITING FOR LOVE – Sometimes, some of us come to a point in our lives where we become ‘desperate’ in finding someone to love. Might be because we want to please our parents, or meet a ‘deadline’, or just as simple as wanting someone. But love is something you cannot rush, it is something that is slowly developed. And sometimes when one stops looking for it, it comes to you...

By now, I think it comes as no surprise that I am a hopeless romantic. So, I decided that imma write another post on love. And today’s post is dedicated to those that, well, are impatient to find someone to love.

I guess some of us are at the age where we want to find someone. Someone that we would have a future with, someone who would be our ‘ride or die’, someone who would just be there for us. I have friends that get worried about not being able to find someone, and some even having a ‘deadline’. Well, your (unqualified and unofficial) love guru is here to tell you that, you can’t rush love.

By giving yourself a deadline, you subconsciously pressure yourself to settle for anyone. And honestly, you all deserve to find love. But, ask yourself before you choose to settle with that person, “are you really contented with them?” / “can you deal with their personalities or habits?” / “are you ready for the lifetime commitment with them?” Don’t rush things, my dudes. If you’re lucky and feel that he or she is the one, then congratulations and I am happy for you. But, if you are just rushing into it and have a sh*t ton of doubts (as my friend would say ‘我不可以 uncertainty’), chill out.

So, a little story time…

For the longest time, I gave myself a deadline that I would find someone and get married by 30. So after the end of my last relationship, I made sure I got over him first before starting my online dating journey (which y’all should, don’t be playing others). And well, it’s a story for another time. Anyway, I guess, I kinda had this pressure in me to find someone, date him for a while, get engaged and then eventually get hitched. And I guess I started settling. Don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with just settling if the vibe is there. You do you boo! But, I guess something was just missing? And I just ain’t entirely lucky in finding someone or maybe I was rushing into things a little too quickly too.

After all the sh*t I went through, I can finally say that I am contented with being single. It took me a long a** time to get to where I am now. There was just a sense of relief, a feeling I do not know how to explain, but I was just contented. The pressure I gave myself to find someone just slowly became a part of a ‘forgotten To-Do list’. And as much as I would love to be in a relationship, I don’t feel pressured. If it comes, it comes. I can’t wait for it to happen, but for now, I got so much love from my family and friends. I am happy.

But in all honesty, I still do feel lonely sometimes. That’s why I try to keep myself busy, to distract my mind. Something I am still working on.

And I am sure you all will find that sense of contentment in singlehood too! Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of obstacles in your way, and a lot of time (that’s for me anyway).

Do what makes you feel happy, and what you feel is right for yourself. When love happens, embrace it. Nothing wrong with chasing after love, nothing wrong with taking a break from the dating scene either. Love will come for you, eventually. Well for now, if you’re single, enjoy the singlehood. I am living life 🖖🏼

PS. you all are loved, by your family and friends, so love will always be there for you.

After so many heartbreaks, I still find myself falling ever so easily… Why do we fall so easily? I guess a part of us just wants to believe that there is someone who actually cares and accepts us for who we are, with those honeyed words they speak that move us. We just love love, and want to find someone to share that love with. There ain’t anything wrong with falling for someone, so deeply so fast. There ain’t anything wrong with wanting to love someone, to have someone, to hold someone. But it only backfires, when it is only you who feels that way.

Maybe they say those things just to be nice, or you are just a ‘shiny new toy’ to them. Maybe they don’t even realise that you have fallen so deeply for them, plunging into the waters, while they are only testing the waters. Maybe they don’t feel the way we do, they don’t fall the way we do.

We get so blinded, that we ignore the signs, we ignore the red flags. We choose to see the good in the situation, we choose to believe the good in them. We start reasoning to ourselves as to why they were acting this way. We get so wrapped up in this, that it consumes us. And when we find out that there ain’t no happy ending in this, we start questioning ourself. ‘Am i not good enough?’ / ‘Did i do or say something wrong?’ 

But really, it ain’t you. It might be their fault for leading you on. But ultimately, there is nothing wrong with you (unless you a criminal). They decided that maybe after knowing you, that this is not something they want or need. Remember, it does not mean you ain’t good enough. But he/she just ain’t right for you. You will find someone for you, it may take a couple more heartbreaks to get there, eventually you will find the love you were looking for, someone that would reciprocate those feelings. We just got to be patient.

Take all the time you need to heal, because trust me, time heals all wounds. Go get some good food, have some drinks with your loved ones, party it up. But just know, there is someone for you out there. I believe there is for everyone. Don’t stop yourself from sharing the love because of the heartbreaks. Keep the faith.

And by the way, guys or girls, if you fall easily, Tinder is definitely not a place for you. Trust me, I’ve tried.

As the year comes to the end, we look back and smile while thinking of the things that have happened in the year. I used to be the person that would feel a sense of regret at the decisions I made throughout the year. But the people around me taught me to live life with no regrets, and that whatever the outcome may be, embrace it and accept it.

The year 2018 has been a rollercoaster ride, as with every other year.

So first things first, my sister and I were never really close, but I am glad we got closer this year. She likes to tell everyone that we got closer after we both broke up, which is kinda true. But I like to think that we learnt to appreciate one another better as we grew older. She has always supported me, sometimes even without me knowing. She helped me through the sh*tty times when I felt so alone, and I know you would be reading this, so thank you for giving me life advices and for being my partner in crime.

One thing I had to learn was to be independent again. I’m not saying that I become entirely dependent on a significant other when I’m attached, but it becomes different when you just have yourself. I’m the kind of person that does not like to bother others with my issues. But when you have a partner, it just feels easier to want to share your problems with them. So now, I am still learning to be that independent girl, and that also it is okay to lean on the people close to you sometimes.

I never did understand it when my sister told me to prioritise my time to people that matter, but I am learning to. I start to realise the people that I prioritise don’t always treat me the same. Some do not appreciate the effort in making time for them and it comes off as me not doing enough. People who matter would not feel that way, people who matter would understand. I mean there is always a balance, ‘give and take’. You can’t take their understanding and friendship for granted. And I am still trying to find the balance in that.

Confidence is something I have always struggled with. I realised that looking better by dressing up, putting on a little makeup and changing my hair helped make me feel a little bit better about myself. But what I needed was self confidence of the ‘bare me’. I need to start learning to embrace my flaws and strengths. Not everybody is perfect, and different flaws exist in everyone. But when you try to hide them, all the more it would come back to haunt you again. So, why not embrace them? Flaws do not make you any weaker, it just makes you human. Accepting a compliment at something I’m good at is foreign to me, haha. I am that person that would rarely graciously accept a compliment but instead reject that idea. I need to start believing that I am actually good at certain things.

Most importantly, I need to start loving myself. When I look in the mirror, I start picking on the small things that I dislike about myself and what I can change. I don’t know why we do this to ourself. But I guess with how the media portrays beauty, it influences the society’s mindset on what beauty actually is. We are always trying to be the better version of ourself, trying to improve on our personality, our appearance. But when would we be happy with who we are and when do we draw the line with being our true-self and pretending to be someone we are not? I am trying to be happy with being me, Wei Xuan.

To end off, a friend of mine told me this when I told him that he should start thinking for himself and not always for others. His reply made me question what people have been telling me, “if everyone started thinking for others, wouldn’t the world be a much better place“. The world is already filled with so many selfish people, who constantly think for themselves and do things at the expense of others. If we start thinking about how our actions could affect others, wouldn’t the world be more peaceful. I mean, there is a blur line as to the situations that could fit into this. But, I think there is some truth in that…

I am sad that the year is already ending, but I am also happy and thankful of the memories created and lessons learnt. Thank you to those who stood by me when I was at my lowest, you were the ones who really helped me come up stronger. I am still learning, so I am sorry to the loved ones I may have neglected along my pathway in trying to be a better version of myself. 2018 has been a great year, I survived! Honestly I ain’t ready for 2019 just yet, but here goes nothing.

Have you ever gotten your heart broken and then having to readjust everything in your life because things have changed? I know heartbreaks are part and parcel of life but why does it have to hurt so bad. Sometimes it just seems that, putting your heart and soul into loving someone just isn’t worth it. Why do we put ourselves through the unknown of getting hurt or worse, hurting someone? Why put in so much effort to ‘make it work’ when the efforts might go to waste in the end?

When you fall for someone, you don’t need a reason to ‘go through the unknown of getting hurt or hurting someone’ or to consider ‘if your efforts are worth it’. You will never know what is going to happen. You are willing to take a leap of faith because of love. There are no rules and reasons needed to love, you do what you need and can for that special someone.

Loving someone doesn’t need a reason. When people ask me why I loved him, I never had a definitive answer. I just do.

Loving someone unconditionally is what you need to make a relationship work. If you love someone, the trust, compromise and understanding should come. Or sometimes, loving someone unconditionally means you need to let him / her go. Love is complicated huh? But love is different for everyone. Don’t be afraid of love. Embrace love.

What makes all the hurt and arguments worth it? The memories made, learning a little more about him / her every other day that no ones knows about, talking about the future that you two might have, having someone to watch that movie with, going to the karaoke and singing out of tune together, late night talks…

When you get hurt, take all the time you need to heal and move on. But please don’t wish for something bad to happen to him / her, you both had good memories together, cherish those. He’ll have a special place in my heart.

So, when you are ready and love comes knocking on your door again, embrace it. Don’t fear love. Just love. And make your own rules.

Everyone has their own insecurities, and these are mine. These insecurities that I am feeling are a buildup of everything that happened throughout my life. They have been constantly at the back of my mind, and I thought that by sharing it would allow me to have an outlet to share my feelings and allow people to be okay to stand up for themselves, which I was too afraid to then and even now.

So as many of you would know, I have a skin thing called Eczema. I am grateful that mine is not as serious as compared to others out there. It used to be worse when I was younger, but luckily, it has gotten slightly better throughout the years. It comes and goes. But, whenever I have breakouts I always remember the one time a group of girls were laughing and pointing at my legs. At that time, I was most probably in primary school, and I still remember that occurrence. It really hurt. Till this day, it haunts me. So when it comes back, even now, I try to cover it up by wearing long pants but it only makes it worse since the skin gets even more irritated. So please, try not to make fun of or laugh at people who are ‘different’, it stays with them forever.

I have been constantly made fun of how skinny I am. One of the reasons why I try to gym as much as I can is that I want to try to gain some muscle mass or ‘meat on my bones’. Gym has been sort of a therapeutic activity for me (thank you to le boyfriend for bringing me into the gym life), and I genuinely enjoy it. What started as an excuse to spend more time with him, became a hobby for me. But, I have friends that would tease me for going to the gym. ‘You go gym for what, got grow meh?’ or when I stated that I wanted to start running, ‘HAHAHA you run? Like bamboo running!’. Yes, I remember what you say. I try to laugh it off because I know it was a joke, at least I think it is. Even in the gym, I feel judgemental eyes on me from people that I don’t even know.

Contrary to popular belief, I do have a tummy, which I have been trying to get rid off since my Junior College years. But I love my carbs too much to give it up. My sister and I kind of had a thought that, since we are flat chested, we need a flat tummy. And I feel really insecure about my tummy, that is why I started wearing loose fitting tops and tight bottoms to make it seem more ‘balanced’. I actually stopped being so conscious about my tummy for a very long time now, but the insecurity is coming back.

And yes, I am flat chested. Something I have been made fun of my entire life. I used to really feel very insecure about it, but I focus on the positives of it and it helps. Is it too late to start drinking papaya milk?

I have not really told anyone about all these insecurities I have been facing, except briefly to my boyfriend and sister. I am grateful to the friends that supports me and always have my back. Y’all know who you are (: Thank you for loving me for the way I am.

To you people, I want you to know that:
Yes, I am a girl. Yes, I am skinny. Yes, I use light weights. Yes, I have a tummy. Yes, I have no boobs. Deal with it. Just because I am skinny, does not mean I have no feelings or no insecurities. I still have feelings. I still get hurt.

I have not felt so insecure of myself for a very long time, and it is a very scary, emotionally and mentally draining thing to go through. It all started coming back when I had a skin outbreak. So yeah.. I just had to get these thoughts out of my mind to have a clearer mind.

I was just starting to love my body for the way it is. And now, I am starting to hate it more and more, which is kind of sad…